Finding Mysef Single-ish

In November my world got rocked, hard, and not in a good way. My husband of 12 years came home and announced that he doesn't love me and doesn't think he has ever really loved me and that he wants out. Oh he said all the nicer things like "I'm not trying to hurt you, babe", "I want to stay friends, you are my best friend" blah blah blah. My heart broke. We haven't really had the greatest marriage. To be honest, we have had many ups and downs. Being married to him has always been a roller coaster but the last few years I really thought things had gotten better. We went to marriage counselling with our pastor, even. My husband never said a word in marriage counseling about these problems. Not.one.word. I was angry and hurt. I still am. I wont even go into how its affecting the kids right now.

So, suddenly, after 12 years of being a homemaker, stay-at-home mom, and homeschooling mom of kids with health issues, I am suddenly finding myself in a position of finding a job and then finding a place for us to live. Unfortunately we live in hillbilly hell and finding a decent, affordable, bigger-than-2bdrm-w/washer & dryer hook-up is next to impossible. I could possibly find a trailer in the trailer park but that would not be ideal since I am not willing to part with my daughter's piano. I am praying that God will open the doors we need opened.

(Before you go off and tell me how God hates divorce, yes, I already know that. I am not giving up on my marriage but I also cannot stay where I am not wanted. Its a catch 22 for me but God knows my heart and I am doing what I have no choice but to do.)

I have to find a job that doesn't require me to change our basic day-to-day living. I am thinking that a peak hour early morning shift at Mcdonalds will be my first attempt. I need something where I can work from like 4am to no later than 9am each day. I know you are wondering why those hours, right? Its because I can't afford a babysitter, have no family to help me, I don't want to change our normal schedule anymore than I have to, and until we get my daughter's petite mal seizures under control I am not comfortable leaving the kids alone while they are awake. Since our normal schedule consists of a late bedtime and a late rising time, working from 4-9 would be ideal for me. The kids would all be asleep while I am gone. It will be minimum wage and only part time but its a start. And between that and the child support I will receive for the kids, we should be able to make it.

I try to find comfort in the fact that God cares for me and answers prayers. He can heal my marriage if my husband allows Him to, He will open whatever doors need opened for the kids and I, as we need them opened. I'm sure we will all be a little lost for a while as we try to find and get used to a new normal.