A couple more updates.....

This is Christopher. My oldest son. He joined the Navy last year. This is at his basic training graduation. Boy were there a lot of proud parents, family and friends at that graduation. It was HUGE! And amazing. Absolutely amazing. The music and the routines were something to behold! He was thrilled to graduate. Basic training is never pleasant but wow, the things that happen there! They took his wisdom teeth out and there is a lot to be said about military dentistry, believe me.

 

This is him just a year later. After A School he was deployed at sea for 9 months. When he came home he married this beautiful woman. I couldn't be happier with the woman he chose as his wife. 

 

There is so much that has happened in the last year that I just wanted to give highlights right now. When I have time to do more then I will have some serious blog posts for y'all.

A whole lot of updating.

Since my last post there have been a whole lot of ups and downs and messy things happen. In February 2013 he decided he didn't want a divorce and wanted to stay together and make things work. Little did I know that he was engrossed in a serious affair with a family friend and that he was only staying with me for the "kids' sakes". In June we were evicted from our home because he was not working as many hours as he should have been, wasn't paying the bills like he was supposed to and was spending all his free time either helping his parents get their business going or at that woman's house. By the grace of God and the grace of my best friend, we didn't have to live in our car. She graciously let us live in her pop-up camper and shared her home with us. Not long after we moved into the camper, I found proof of the affair. I ended things, told him to leave, that I wanted a divorce. I was heartbroken. Not long after I kicked him out he came to me and and asked if I really wanted a divorce. Of course I didn't but I didn't want to be with a man who didn't love me, didn't want me, and was having an affair.

He asked me how we could save our marriage. I told him he would have to end the affair and then I did the only thing I could think of and told him he had to go talk to our pastor and do whatever our pastor told him to do & that was the only way I would even consider trying to work things out. I knew that was something he wouldn't want to do, that he had been lying to our pastor about the affair for months, and I assumed he would say no and I would be off the hook and free to walk away.

He called the pastor right then and there and asked if we could meet with him. The pastor told us to come right over. On the way there he called that woman and told her it was over. She did not take it well and called hubby 3 times while we were in the office, texted me several times, and then called me. I ignored her so when she called hubby again the Pastor answered the phone and firmly put her in her place. Then he laid out a plan for us to follow to try to save our marriage.

During this time my parents paid the deposit and first month's rent on an apartment for the kids and I since it was getting too cold at night to stay in the camper. My friend had been letting the kids sleep in the house with her kids but I felt awkward doing that so I continued to sleep in the camper.

Its been a very rough year but we are working hard to save our marriage. He seems sincere about it. He chose to get up in front of the church and confess and ask forgiveness, he hasn't missed a counseling session yet (and we go every single week),he is in church for almost every service, does maintenance and lawn care at the church in his free time, and while things are going slower than I would like and are still hard, we are making progress.

Dealing with an affair is probably one of the hardest things I have ever done. There are days where I can't even function because I get so overwhelmed with thoughts of him with this other woman. And, of course, the anger hits me and overwhelms me too from time to time. I work hard at forgiveness but its not always easy to forgive and forget. I don't know that I will ever forget or ever trust again. That's the really hard part. How do I trust him not to do it again? How do I trust my heart to someone that has hurt me so much? Its not easy and it takes a lot of work but I am praying God will get me thru this. My faith took a hit for a while and I still struggle sometimes with that, too. I stepped down from all responsibilities at church and am a pew sitter now. I need that more than I need to be a servant at this time.

I have a job now. Its half day caregiving for an elderly gentleman. It pays well even though the hours aren't many. I'm not away from the kids for too long and it allows us to have our regular routine for the most part. The kids and I also help out at my FIL's meat shop. I can count it towards their education and it makes everyone happy...not to mention the brownie points I get in counseling for helping out *wink*.

Life is hard but we do the best that we can with what we have.

Finding Mysef Single-ish

In November my world got rocked, hard, and not in a good way. My husband of 12 years came home and announced that he doesn't love me and doesn't think he has ever really loved me and that he wants out. Oh he said all the nicer things like "I'm not trying to hurt you, babe", "I want to stay friends, you are my best friend" blah blah blah. My heart broke. We haven't really had the greatest marriage. To be honest, we have had many ups and downs. Being married to him has always been a roller coaster but the last few years I really thought things had gotten better. We went to marriage counselling with our pastor, even. My husband never said a word in marriage counseling about these problems. Not.one.word. I was angry and hurt. I still am. I wont even go into how its affecting the kids right now.

So, suddenly, after 12 years of being a homemaker, stay-at-home mom, and homeschooling mom of kids with health issues, I am suddenly finding myself in a position of finding a job and then finding a place for us to live. Unfortunately we live in hillbilly hell and finding a decent, affordable, bigger-than-2bdrm-w/washer & dryer hook-up is next to impossible. I could possibly find a trailer in the trailer park but that would not be ideal since I am not willing to part with my daughter's piano. I am praying that God will open the doors we need opened.

(Before you go off and tell me how God hates divorce, yes, I already know that. I am not giving up on my marriage but I also cannot stay where I am not wanted. Its a catch 22 for me but God knows my heart and I am doing what I have no choice but to do.)

I have to find a job that doesn't require me to change our basic day-to-day living. I am thinking that a peak hour early morning shift at Mcdonalds will be my first attempt. I need something where I can work from like 4am to no later than 9am each day. I know you are wondering why those hours, right? Its because I can't afford a babysitter, have no family to help me, I don't want to change our normal schedule anymore than I have to, and until we get my daughter's petite mal seizures under control I am not comfortable leaving the kids alone while they are awake. Since our normal schedule consists of a late bedtime and a late rising time, working from 4-9 would be ideal for me. The kids would all be asleep while I am gone. It will be minimum wage and only part time but its a start. And between that and the child support I will receive for the kids, we should be able to make it.

I try to find comfort in the fact that God cares for me and answers prayers. He can heal my marriage if my husband allows Him to, He will open whatever doors need opened for the kids and I, as we need them opened. I'm sure we will all be a little lost for a while as we try to find and get used to a new normal.

No fun

Update: Praising God that it was only a bad sprain and there were no breaks! So, sometime in the night my little guy woke up thirsty. He was coming down the stairs (they are narrow and steep as we currently live in an old farm house) and somehow he managed a tumble down the stairs. Since he could move his arm I did not think it broken so I iced it and gave him ibuprofen and tucked him in to bed. Well, this morning when he woke up the first think he said was "my arm hurts". I gave him another ibuprofen and called the doctor's office. They could see him at 3pm today. I accepted the appointment but he seemed to be in more pain so I decided to just bring him to the ER. He has had X-rays and we are awaiting the physician to let us know if its broken or not. Poor little guy :(

Welcome to Bull Frogs and Jelly Beans. A little about our family. I am a soon-to-be single mother of 5 kids, two who are grown and out of the home. My oldest is in the Navy (or will be in April--he joined but hasn't left yet), my second oldest is currently living the free life of single young men, I have a lovely daughter who is 14, a son who is 12, and another son that is 10 years old. In our little family we have 1 with Celiac's and Epilepsy, 1 with diabetes, and 1 with a metabolic disorder. Things are kinda crazy and hectic sometimes with all this going on but we make it work LOL. We are a homeschooling family (yeah, I'll find a way to make it work when we are on our own, too), we eat (mostly) healthy traditional whole foods. I like to sew and craft for fun and relaxation and sometimes for extra money. You'll find recipes, sewing/crafting, homeschooling, and life in general on my little corner of the internet. Enjoy!